Guys love bars for one reason: women. Well, the hi-def TVs that are permanently tuned to sports channels are also nice. Also, there’s nothing like devouring grease-laden bar food after a few ice cold drafts…okay, okay, guys like bars for many reasons. Women, however, are a top priority. In any bar you will invariably see five types of guys on the prowl for female, ahem, “companionship.”
1. The Alpha Male
The Alpha Male is the most notorious of all guy types. He has studied books that promise to reveal the secrets of picking up women. He can be identified by his confident swagger and superior attitude. He can also be spotted when, inevitably, a woman turns him down. He will show an expression of puzzlement as he realizes that all of those books and websites were a scam designed to suck up his paycheck.
2. The Bro
These guys spend countless hours applying hair gel and the cloud of cologne that hangs around them, if ignited, could level a city block. Bros are most often found in noisy bars. The loud noise will prevent a woman from realizing that she is talking to a man who spends more time primping in front of the mirror than she does.
3. The Pseudo-Intellectual Hipster
The Hipster is more common now than ever before. They constantly smoke hand-rolled cigarettes, wear glasses without lenses and sport mustaches that haven’t been in style since the Civil War. They aren’t likely to pick up any women because they refuse to drink anything other than cheap beer. Women are not impressed when a Hipster offers to buy them watered-down swill.
4. The Big Shot
This guy has it all. He shows up in a sports car and flashes cash. He will be quite successful with the ladies. He will buy them expensive cocktails and offer them a ride in his flashy car. However, as soon as he brings a lady home, she will quickly discover that he’s got the money, but all of it is spent to compensate for other, ahem, shortcomings.
5. The First Timer
You’ve got to give this guy some credit. He is trying, after all. When he approaches a woman, one of two outcomes are possible. She will either quickly brush him off or be charmed by his effort. Upon his first romantic success, his shyness will disappear and he will rapidly transform into one of the above categories. It’s a vicious cycle.
So, there you have it. The next time you’re at a bar, keep an eye out for these fellows. Odds are that you can size them up quickly. What you do with this information is, of course, up to you.
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