‘Drunk!’ a photo by andrew_mc_d
After the traditional knock-knock jokes, bar jokes are probably the most popular jokes of all time. They began as “Two guys walk into a bar…”, but these days just about anybody can walk into a bar, from a zebra to a hog to a pickle to a three-horned toad.
Here is a small collection of bar jokes for your amusement.
A guy walks into a bar where a piano man (Billy Joel, perhaps?) is playing music, sits down at the bar near the piano and orders a beer. The musician’s monkey jumps up on the bar, near where the guy is sitting and urinates in the dude’s beer. The guy is pissed, so he shouts to the piano player, “Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?” The piano player thinks for a moment, then says, “No, but if you hum a few bars, I might recognize it. ”
…next…
Two guys walk into a bar. One guy is a farmer and looks the part, the other is a city slicker, and he also looks the part.
The farmer sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The city dude sits down and orders a glass of wine. The bartender says, “Sorry bud, we’re all out of wine today.”
The city dude is a little disappointed, so he leaves.
The bartender asks the farmer, “So what do you grow?”
The farmer answers, “Grapes. To make wine.”
…next…
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!
…next…
Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second guy would have seen it.
…next…
Three young ladies walk into a drum set.
Ba dum dum!
…next…
A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender snarls at him, “What’ll you have?”
The guy smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”
The bartender spits and replies “We don’t serve fried cuttlefish here. In fact that’s just gross. We only serve alcohol, now go take a long walk off a short plank!”
The guy hops off the stool and walks out.
The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, ” Got any fried cuttlefish?”
The bartender, not bothering to conceal his distaste for the guy, replies, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve Got any fried cuttlefish in this bar, we serve drinks, now BUZZ OFF!”
The guy hops off the stool and walks out.
The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks once again, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”
The bartender, enraged by now, bangs his fist on the bar and shouts at the guy, “I told you two times we don’t serve fried cuttlefish here, we serve alcohol! If you ask me that stupid question ONE MORE TIME I’ll glue your nose to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”
So the guy shrugs, hops off the stool and walks out.
The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, ” Got any glue?”
The bartender, puzzled, says he doesn’t.
The guy then smiles, looks him square in the eye and says, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”
…next…
A dyslexic walks into a bra……..
…next…
A gerund walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What are you, drinking?”
…next…
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry bud, we don’t serve your type here!”
…next…
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first responds, “Yes, I’m positive”.
…next…
A rabbi, a priest, a hooker, a pirate, a blind hippopotamus, a sheep, three wolves, a Chinaman, a Scotsman, a taxi driver, a Mexican and a pencil walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up from his newspaper, surveys the company, and asks, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
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