The Miser’s Guide To Clubbing

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Corey Rozon

After reviewing countless bars and clubs all over the world, we know how easily going out for just one beer can quickly turn into a $200 bar tab.

Hitting up the clubs can be particularly expensive when you factor in cover charge, coat check and the inflated cost of drinks. Thankfully we’ve learned a thing or two on how to save a few bucks when at the clubs. Some tips may obvious, some unorthodox, but they all work.

So without further adieu, here is the Miser’s Guide To Clubbing:

#1 – Pre-Party

Pre-partying is essential for any night out at the clubs. Walking in stone cold sober is one way to ensure your budget gets blown within the hour. So invite over some friends, have a few drinks and get ready for the night. If you are going out solo, and are the type that doesn’t like to drink alone, never underestimate the power of a shower beer. They’re so good you might even want to bring two.

#2 – The Early Bird Gets The Worm

One way to save a little money, and ensure that you will get into the club, is to arrive early. Sure, this might mean that you have to start your pre-game drinking a bit earlier, but since most clubs don’t get started until after 11pm you’ll have plenty of time. Be one of the first to arrive and you will likely get in without having to pay cover.

#3 – Never Pay (Full) Cover

One of the biggest burns to your budget is the cover charge. Going early might be able to save you cover entirely, but if you don’t want to be that guy, you might consider travelling in a pack. Many clubs will offer a discounted rate if you bring your whole entourage with you. It’s always best to call ahead to negotiate the price before you get there. The more women you have in your group, the more likely you will be able to get in.

#4 – Leave The Coat At Home

Most clubs have a mandatory coat check, and depending on the time of the year, a coat may be essential to your survival. If you can, leave the coat at home, or in the car of a designated driver. Failing that, try to double your coats up on one hanger and save a bit of money. For the ladies, a big purse and a thin jacket will work wonders.

#5 – Where Everyone Knows Your Name

One of the best ways to save money is to become a regular. Get to know the staff and the owner. Becoming a friend will help you to get in on the busy nights, usually without having to pay cover. The wait staff and bartenders may even buy you drinks, or at the very least, have a heavy hand when they are pouring them.

#6 – Cash Only

If you really want to save some money you should only bring cash and your ID, leave all plastic at home. Never, I men never, use the ATM machine inside the club. In some instances you can end up paying up to $10 in ATM fees each time you make a transaction. And when you are buzzed, taking out extra money may seem like a good idea at the time, usually more than once in the night. It’s also best to stick to the budget you set for yourself and try not to borrow cash from that friend who always seems to have a little too much cash on hand.

#7 – Special Of The Day

Do a little research and find out which clubs have specials, whether they are Ladies Nights, happy hours, two-for-one drinks or just specials on specific brands. Drink on the cheap and you can drink longer for less. And if you are a guy on Ladies Night you can always ask the ladies to buy you a few rounds.

#8 – Price Is The Difference

The fastest way to blow through your cash budget is to order drinks without knowing the prices. It’s not uncouth to ask for a price menu before deciding on what you want to drink. Knowing where your money can be best spent to maximize your alcohol intake will help you to stretch out the night further.

#9 – Keep It Simple

Now that you’ve seen the price list you’ll quickly understand that the simpler the drink usually means the cheaper the price. Unless there is a special on certain drinks or alcohol, domestic beer is typically the cheapest way to go, and draft even more so. If you are not a beer drinker, always order from the rail when ordering spirits.

#10 – It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint

Even if it is a two-for-one special you should always pace your drinking. These specials work in benefit of the club, the more you drink the faster you will forget about your budget and the more money you will spend. Remember, you have the whole night, so pace yourself and interject a bottle of water between every other drink. Not only will you save money, but also your body will thank you for it in the morning.

#11 – A Shot In The Dark

If you really want to blow through your money then order shots. Heck, buy a round of shots for everyone at the bar with you. But if you really want to save your money, then just stick with beer or whatever cocktails that are on special.

#12 – Be One Of The 10-15%

This may be counterintuitive if you are trying to make friends with the wait staff, but one of the easiest ways to save money at the club is to not tip, or at least not over tip. If you can, try to start a tab. If they won’t let you start a tab without a credit card then be careful with your tips. Tipping $1.00 with every beer purchase can quickly add up. If your beer is $4.00 that is a 25% tip, generous, but not needed. A tab will enable you to leave a tip of 10-15% on your total bill, but if you are unable to open a tab try calculating the amount of money you will spend in the night and leave the full tip at the beginning. Not only will that help you to curb your tips, but the move may also impress the bartender enough that you won’t have to wait for a drink the rest of the night.

#13 – Disappearing Act

When out with a group of friends one of the hardest things to do is leave early. No one wants the party to stop and you’ll usually be browbeaten into staying to have just one more. This quickly turns into another round, and before you know it you’ve closed the bar once again. In order to avoid this extended bar tour and save some money learn how to pull a Houdini. Simply disappear, apologize for it in the morning or send a text message while you are in the cab on the way home. Going home early is not a sign of weakness, your body, and your wallet, will thank you for it in the morning.

Additional Tips

For the guys: Try not to buy drinks for the girls, and definitely stay away from those girls who will only use you for drinks.
For the girls: Use men for drinks.

* As seen on Best Of Money Carnival and Totally Money Carnival.

Author: Corey Rozon

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Gau Jal (Cow Water) – April Gross-Out Bar Drink Of The Month

Posted on April 18, 2012 by Corey Rozon

In Hindu culture, the cow is honoured as a symbol of unselfish giving. Everything that the cow produces, from its milk to its manure, not only has a use, but is also thought to have some sort of therapeutic value. So much so that even the cow’s urine is used for its medicinal properties.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), a Hindu nationalist organization in India, has taken it a step further and has begun production of a soft drink made from cow urine, which they have dubbed Gau Jal, or Cow Water.

As the Telegraph’s article, “India makes cola from cow urine“ reports, the RSS plans to produce a soft drink that will rival the likes of Pepsi and Coca-Cola.

The mixologists here at BarWhiz are always up for a challenge, as can be seen in some of our other gross out drinks, such as the Kopi Luwak cocktails and our Airag cocktail recipes. We figured Gau Jal shouldn’t be too much of a challenge, so have come up with 5 cocktail recipes with a cowey twist:

#1 – Billiard Bull

2 oz citrus flavored rum
3 oz gau jal
3oz red bull
lime wedge

Add rum to a highball glass filled with ice, squeeze lime wedges and drop into glass, top with equal parts Gau Jal and Red Bull and serve.

#2 – Vanilla Cow

1 1/2 oz vanilla vodka
1 dash Lemon Juice
gau jal to fill
lime wedge and mint sprig for garnish

Add vanilla vodka and lemon juice to a highball glass filled with ice, top with Gau Jal, garnish with a lime wedge and a sprig of mint, and serve.

Before going forward, here’s a little scene from Man Vs. Wild that
might make all this talk about urine seem a little less strange
and prepare you for the next cocktail named after Bear Grylls…

#3 – The Bear Grylls

1 1/2 oz gin
5 oz gau jal
1/4 tsp salt

Add all ingredients into a highball glass filled with ice and serve

#4 – Apple Wizz

2 oz apple brandy
4 oz apple juice
lime wedge
gau jal to fill
lime slice for garnish

Add apple brandy, apple juice, and juice from lime wedge to a chilled highball glass with ice, top with gau jal, garnish with a slice of lime and serve.

#5 – Golden Shower

1 1/2 oz whiskey
1/2 oz advocaat
1/2 oz simple syrup
1/2 oz lemon juice
gau jal
lime slice and mint leaves for garnish

Shake whiskey, advocaat, simple syrup and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker filled with ice, strain into a chilled beverage glass, top with gau jal, garnish with lime slice and mint leaves, and serve.

Thumbnail by Stefan Stegemann under CC-BY-SA License

Author: Corey Rozon

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Insect Infused Cocktail Recipes – January Gross-Out Bar Drink Of The Month

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Corey Rozon

Putting insects in alcohol is not a new trend – Tequila anyone? However, many bars all over the world are now jumping on the entomophagy trend and making cocktails infused with insects, whether as part of the ingredients or just as a garnish.

Just take a look at the Artesian Bar, located in the Langjam Hotel in London. Their insect infused cocktail combines cognac, Japanese tea with roasted tarantulas and scorpions.

Then there is New York City‘s own White & Church. According to this New York Post article from last summer, White & Church now has a host of insect infused cocktails, such as their Blue Velvet, a tobacco-infused brandy garnished with scorpions.

I’ve never been to White & Church myself, so I cannot confirm if these insect infused cocktail rumours are true, but I did take a peek at their online cocktail menu, and sadly, not a bug in sight. Either they weren’t as popular as hoped, or it might also have something to do with their cocktail that included toasted honeybees as a garnish. For those in the know, there has recently been alarming news of honeybees suddenly dying off in large numbers.

If you were hoping to try your own insect infused cocktail, why not mix your own at home. Here is our take on 5 cocktail recipes with a buggy twist:

#1) A Drink Named Irving

1 oz crème de menthe (green)
1 oz crème de cacao (white)
1 oz vodka
6 roasted grasshopper legs for garnish

Shake all liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with ice, strain into chilled martini glass, garnish with grasshopper legs, and serve.

#2) A Mosquito

1.25 oz rum
12 mint leaves
12 mosquitoes
1 tbsp sugar
0.5 oz limejuice
2 oz soda

Place mint leaves and mosquitoes in bottom of glass, add crushed ice, rum, sugar, limejuice, and muddle. Top with soda, garnish with mint leaves, and serve.

#3) Barking Spider

1 1/2 oz tequila
1 1/2 oz Blue Curacao
3/4 oz dark rum
1 dash triple sec
1 dash sweet and sour mix
1 splash orange juice
roasted tarantula legs for garnish

Shake all liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with ice, strain into chilled collins glass, garnish with tarantula legs, and serve.

#4) June Bug

1 oz melon liqueur
1 oz coconut rum
1 oz pineapple juice
maraschino cherry and roasted June Bug for garnish

Add all liquid ingredients to blender filled with ice, blend on low setting, pour into highball glass, garnish with a skewered maraschino cherry and roasted June Bug, and serve.

#5) Glow-Worm

1 1/2 oz melon liqueur
1 1/2 oz peach liqueur
3 oz orange juice
3 oz pineapple juice
1 1/2 oz Blue Curacao
tequila worm for garnish

Fill a highball glass with ice. Layer ingredients in order of list without mixing. Top with Blue Curacao and float tequila worm on top.

Author: Corey Rozon

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Top 10 Things Never to Say to a Bouncer

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Karen

When going to a bar there comes that moment when you run into a bouncer.

Whether it’s standing in line waiting to get into the bar for some fun and games, or whether you’ve had a few drinks and have drawn some unwanted attention to yourself (never your fault, of course!) there will come a time when you have to converse with a bouncer.

What to say? How to act?

You can check out a couple of options here:

OK, so we aren’t going to tell you what to say, but we can offer suggestions on things that you probably don’t want to let escape your lips!

1. “You don’t look so tough”. While this may be true, it is sure to draw the bouncer’s ire. Also, keep in mind that you should never judge a book by its cover!

2. “Back off, I know martial arts”. I would stay away from making this statement. Most people that claim to know some form of martial arts actually don’t. In addition, there is a reason that the person in front of you is a bouncer. Besides being overly large he might actually know martial arts himself.

3. “Don’t you know who I am?” Unless you’re a rock star or movie star there is a really good chance that the bouncer doesn’t know who you are. Even if you are some sort of celebrity, if the bouncer hasn’t recognized you by this point then prompting him to do so probably won’t help.

4. “I’sh not drunk t’all, can walk any line. Lemme prove it to youshelf”. If your social imbibing is resulting in slurring of speech, I would suggest saying as little as possible. And remember, enunciation is your friend!

5. “Here’s $5, go away”. While bribing the bouncer has an outside chance of working, more than likely the amount of money you offer him isn’t worth the bouncer losing his job. It also puts him in between a rock and a hard place, where his only alternative is to throw you out of the club.

6. “$%&^%##”. Swearing at the bouncer will result in an immediate, negative experience. Up until this point the bouncer is just doing his job. After being cussed out there is a good chance the bouncer is going to take things personally, which bodes poorly for your chances of staying healthy.

7. “I have some really big friends.” While this may be true, they probably aren’t with you at the moment you utter this ominous statement. Also, there is a good chance the bouncer also has some big friends, who just might be bouncers in the same bar and within calling distance.

8. “This is the best job you can get?” Questioning the bouncer’s career choices will only result in his agitation. Besides, it could be a part time job while he is completing his master’s studies in some prestigious field.

9. “I’m going to be sick”. If you’ve had a few too many and your stomach is upset then letting the bouncer know this won’t help your situation. Besides, it is probably time to call a cab and go home anyways.

10. “I’ll be back”. If you are being shown the door than letting the bouncer know you want to return and visit their fine establishment could be construed the wrong way. Be polite, listen to the bouncer and the chances are everything will be fine if you do decide to return for another night out on the town!

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The Best Games to Play in a Bar

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Karen

There are many different types of games that bar patrons like to indulge in. This is all part of an enjoyable atmosphere, and it lets people socialize and pass the time in a relaxing manner.

Our list has both games that are offered by the bar, and also some funny creative games you can play anywhere, anytime.

Also check out the most popular college drinking games for some awesome drinking games to play.

The following are just some of the top bar games that are available for people to enjoy during a night out on the town.

1. Pool / Billiard

pool

Shooting a friendly game of “stick” is extremely popular in bars. The most common form is 8-ball (also called solids and stripes), which has a smaller table and larger pockets compared to billiards. Billiard tables are rare in bars unless you happen to be in a “pool hall” (an establishment that has many pool tables and may or may not be licensed).

8-ball involves sinking all or your balls followed by the black ball (the “8 ball”). If the black ball is sunk before all your balls are down then you have “scratched” and lost the game. The rules of the game are location dependent, and sometimes a bar may have its own rule variations known as “house rules”.

2. Darts

Darts. A common form of bar entertainment is a friendly game of darts, where darts are thrown at a circular target called a dart board.

There are many different types of dart games that can be played. Some of the more popular ones are 501, 301 and Round the Clock.

Dart leagues are common, with organized teams competing during a designated dart night.

3. Ping Beer Pong

You will need two card tables, ping pong paddles, ping pong balls and beer.

Set up the tables on opposite sides of a room with no carpet! The farther back from one another they are the more fun you may – or may not – have! On each table place a cup of beer – or a small bowl with beer in it.

Here comes the fun – and I think you know what it is! Each player takes a turn using their ping pong paddle to hit the ball to the other table – in hopes of making a splash. If the player misses then he or she must take a drink from their own beer. If they get the ball into the beer, then the opponent has one shot to get their ball into your beer – if they miss – they must drink the cup/bowl of beer. Or – make your own rules up as you go along!

4. Trivial in Pursuit of Beer

With this game you will need Trivial Pursuit, at least two players, but the more the better and of course, beer.

Start playing the game as you normally would but – every time a person gets an answer wrong they must chug-a-lug. (Or in the event of playing teams, then the team must chug-a-lug). Now, if you know your players take a while to play this game you may want to modify the chug-a-lugs to a gulp otherwise the game may never end!

5. Touchscreen / Counter-top Video Games

best bar games

These games are quite popular, and involve a vertical touchscreen or horizontal countertop controls.

Examples of touchscreen/countertop video games are Bingo, Hi-Lo Cards, Skint or Mint, Lucky Keys, Take your Pick and Race Night.

6. I Sunk My… Battleship?

Fill a deep punch bowl or wide-mouthed pitcher with beer. Also, every player will require a glass of beer.

Float an extra glass in the beer in the bowl or pitcher – be sure to add some beer in it to stabilize it (so it floats).

Every player takes a turn pouring some beer into the floating glass (usually this is best to establish a pre-measured amount such as one or two tablespoons. Wait at least 5 seconds after pouring before another player takes a turn.

Whoever sinks the glass must retrieve it and drink it until it is empty. Then start again!

7. Trivia Games

Many bars offer a trivia game that is played using a hand-held computer. Players answer a trivia question, with questions that cover everything from science, music, nature, history and much more. Points are awarded for a correct answer, and the speed by which answers are given is also taken into account.

Bars often have a special trivia night, and organized teams are also very common. During organized events prizes are often awarded for the highest scores.

8. Shuffleboard

While not as popular as it used to be, table shuffleboard can still be found in some bars and pubs. Table shuffleboard is a game where players slide weighted “pucks” (also called weights) down a wooden table top. The aim is to get as many pucks as possible into the scoring area at the end of the table, while knocking your opponent’s pucks off the table.

9. Pinball

While pinball machines are not as popular as they used to be they can still be found in some pubs and bars. The objective is basic: keep your ball in play for as long as possible, and score as many points as possible. If you score high enough you will be awarded a free game.

There are many different types of games that can be played in your favorite pub or bar. Many of these games can be played with teams or against opponents, providing hours of fun and social time!

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Movember Party Drink Ideas

Posted on November 28, 2011 by Corey Rozon

Movember is that happy time of year where men around the world sport their best moustaches to raise awareness for prostate cancer. The rules are quite simple, you simply need to start with a clean-shaven face on November 1st, and grow your best moustache by the end of the month.

Not only are Mo Bros raising awareness for prostate cancer, but they are also raising funds for research. For instance, in Canada alone, nearly $22.3 million was raised in 2010. Every step of the way the Movember Campaign is there to support the Mo Bros and Mo Sistas, and at the end of the campaign a big Gala Party is thrown to celebrate their month long efforts.

In support of Movember, and all the Mo Bros and Mo Sistas, BarWhiz has put together this handy list of both, Movember Party Drink Ideas, and locations of the Movember Galas around the world.

Movember Party Drink Ideas:

#1) Burt Reynolds

1/2 oz Spiced Rum
1/2 oz Butter Ripple Schnapps

Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with ice, strain into a shot glass, and serve.

#2) Don’t Touch My Moustache

1 1/2 oz Coconut Rum
1 oz Grenadine
4 oz Pineapple Juice

Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with ice, strain into a highball glass, and serve.

#3) Moustache Ride

1 oz Gin
Diet Coke

Pour gin and diet coke over ice cubes in a highball glass, stir and serve.

#4) Flaming Moustache

3 oz Vodka
3 oz Passoa Liqueur
1 oz Orange Juice
pepper

Pour vodka, passoa and orange juice over crushed ice in a highball glass, garnish with pepper and serve.

#5) The Mo-Bro-jito

1 1/2 oz White Rum
6 Mint Leaves
1 tbsp Sugar
1/2 oz Lime Juice
2 oz Soda

Place mint leaves in bottom of highball glass, add crushed ice, rum, sugar, and lime juice, and muddle. Top off with soda water and garnish with mint leaves.

Official Movember Gala Parties:

Australia:

November 25th, 2011
Apple Bar
5-9 Synagogue Place
Adelaide, SA

November 29th, 2011
Cloud Land
641 Ann St
Fortitude Valley, QLD

November 30th, 2011
King O’Malley’s
131 City Walk
Canberra City, ACT

November 27th, 2011
The Metz
217 Sandy Bay Road
Sandy Bay, TAS

November 26th, 2011
Festival Hall
300 Dudley St
West Melbourne, VIC

November 27th, 2011
The Bakery
Artrage Complex
233 James St
Northbridge, WA

November 30th, 2011
Luna Park
1 Olympic Drive
Milson’s Point , NSW

Canada:

November 30th, 2011
Flames Central
219 8 Avenue Southwest
Calgary, AB

November 25th, 2011
Cook County Saloon
8010 Gateway Boulevard
Edmonton, AB

November 25th, 2011
Pier 21
1055 Marginal Road
Halifax, Nova Scotia

November 25th, 2011
Théâtre Corona
2490 Notre-Dame West
Montreal, QC

December 2nd, 2011
Kool Haus
132 Queens Quay East
Toronto, ON

December 1st, 2011
Commodore Ballroom
868 Granville St
Vancouver, BC

United States

December 3rd, 2011
The Variety Playhouse
1099 Euclid Ave NE
Atlanta, Georgia

December 1st, 2011
HighBall
1142 S. Lamar Blvd
Austin, Texas

December 1st, 2011
Royale
279 Tremont St
Boston, Massachusetts

December 1st, 2011
Hard Rock
63 West Ontario St
Chicago, Illinois

December 3rd, 2011
Sutra
1109 Lincoln Street
Denver, Colorado

December 1st, 2011
Avalon
1735 Vine St
Los Angeles, California

December 3rd, 2011
Nomad World Pub
501 Cedar Ave S
Minneapolis, Minnesota

December 2nd, 2011
Roseland Ballroom
239 W 52nd St
New York, New York

December 1st, 2011
Double Deuce
528 F St
San Diego, California

December 1st, 2011
Ruby Skye
420 Mason St
San Francisco, California

December 1st, 2011
The Ballroom
456 N 36th St
Seattle, Washington

December 2nd, 2011
Rock & Roll Hotel
1352 H Street NE
Washington, DC

United Kingdom:

November 29th, 2011
Electric Circus
36 Market St
Edinburgh, EH1 1DF

November 25th, 2011
Battersea Evolution
Chelsea Bridge Entrance
Battersea Park
London, SW11 4NJ

November 27th, 2011
Mr Lynch
Archbold Terrace
Newcastle, NE21DB

Ireland:

December 1st, 2011
Tripod
Old Harcourt Station
Harcourt St
Dublin

Author: Corey Rozon

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Top 10 ‘Slap-In-The-Face-Worthy’ Pick-up Lines

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Corey Rozon

To add a little romance to this post, here is some background ambiance:

There is a fine line between a good pick-up line and one that will earn you a great, big SLAP!! in the face. Or worse, a drink thrown at you… ’cause really, there is nothing funny about alcohol abuse, unless of course we’re talking Bozo the Drunken Clown.

Some girls may tell you that pick-up lines are overrated. Others will say that they are not necessary. But in reality a pick-up is a great way to initiate conversation, so good or bad, some girls will still respond to them, but maybe just not the way you had hoped.

WARNING: The following ten pick-up lines should never be used:

10. This one:

see more Memebase and check out our Troll Face lols!

9. “That shirt’s very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I’d be coming too.”

8. “Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?”

7. “Nice shoes, wanna f@#k?”

6. This one:

5. “Do you like to dance? Good, then go dance so I can talk to your hot friend.”

4. “I have a dictionary in my pants. Let’s say we go back to your house and put some words in your mouth.”

3. “Wanna do a ’68′? You go down on me and I’ll owe you one.”

2. “You might as well just sleep with me, because I’m going to tell everyone you did.”

1. “There are 216 bones in the human body… Would you like 217?”

If you want some expert advice, also check out this video:

Good Luck and don’t let this be you:

Author: Corey Rozon

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Wackiest bar stools in the world!

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Corey Rozon

1. Duracell

And if you’re feeling worn out lacking energy, this should give you a charge.

2. Naughty

If you’ve been around the Internet for a while, you have probably seen this hilarious photo of nuns on a bar stool…

3. Wildlife Chairs

And Suddenly, CENTAURS!

4. Yum, Candy Stool

A barstool that would make Jack White of the White Stripes jealous. But don’t lick the stool (unless you spill your beer on it, of course).

5. Pre-Grooved Chair

This seat is for the guys only ladies…

6. Woman-like Chair

Now that’s just plain weird

7. Coffee-Cup Stool:

Have your morning coffee on a cup of coffee

8. Human Hair Stool

Ever wonder what your hairdresser does with the hair she cuts off?

9. Hippo Stool

We just thought this one was pretty cool

10. Skateboard Chair

Skate or Die!

11. Hand (& Foot) Stool

This bar is such a meat market that even the stools get fresh with you…

12. Beer Keg:

There’s no faster way to refill your glass

Picture Attribution: Bukisa Website, Kitaro 10, Ecology Projects

For the barstool-hungry of you here are some more picture-links to check out:

Naughty 2.0

These seats are for ladies only fellas…

Guitar Chair

Only one was ever made, unfortunately Jimi Hendrix was the first to sit on it…

Unicycle Bar Stool

Finally a way to neutralize your beer belly without giving up beer!

Figure Eight

How do you even sit on this thing! M.C Escher would be proud…

Puzzle Pieces

Best pick-up line ever, “Hey baby, I feel a connection between us.”

Bottlecap Chair

I want one of those beers that this cap belongs too, *hic*…

Headstand Stool

Finally a barstool you can blame on your drunken wobbles…

Über Futuristic

To boldly drink where no man has drunk before…

Author: Corey Rozon

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Who Walks Into a Bar This Time?

Posted on August 24, 2011 by David

‘Drunk!’ a photo by andrew_mc_d

After the traditional knock-knock jokes, bar jokes are probably the most popular jokes of all time. They began as “Two guys walk into a bar…”, but these days just about anybody can walk into a bar, from a zebra to a hog to a pickle to a three-horned toad.

Here is a small collection of bar jokes for your amusement.

A guy walks into a bar where a piano man (Billy Joel, perhaps?) is playing music, sits down at the bar near the piano and orders a beer. The musician’s monkey jumps up on the bar, near where the guy is sitting and urinates in the dude’s beer. The guy is pissed, so he shouts to the piano player, “Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?” The piano player thinks for a moment, then says, “No, but if you hum a few bars, I might recognize it. ”

…next…

Two guys walk into a bar. One guy is a farmer and looks the part, the other is a city slicker, and he also looks the part.

The farmer sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The city dude sits down and orders a glass of wine. The bartender says, “Sorry bud, we’re all out of wine today.”

The city dude is a little disappointed, so he leaves.

The bartender asks the farmer, “So what do you grow?”

The farmer answers, “Grapes. To make wine.”

…next…

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!

…next…

Two guys walk into a bar.

You’d think the second guy would have seen it.

…next…

Three young ladies walk into a drum set.

Ba dum dum!

…next…

A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender snarls at him, “What’ll you have?”

The guy smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”

The bartender spits and replies “We don’t serve fried cuttlefish here. In fact that’s just gross. We only serve alcohol, now go take a long walk off a short plank!”

The guy hops off the stool and walks out.

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, ” Got any fried cuttlefish?”

The bartender, not bothering to conceal his distaste for the guy, replies, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve Got any fried cuttlefish in this bar, we serve drinks, now BUZZ OFF!”

The guy hops off the stool and walks out.

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks once again, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”

The bartender, enraged by now, bangs his fist on the bar and shouts at the guy, “I told you two times we don’t serve fried cuttlefish here, we serve alcohol! If you ask me that stupid question ONE MORE TIME I’ll glue your nose to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”

So the guy shrugs, hops off the stool and walks out.

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, sits down on the same stool, smiles, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, ” Got any glue?”

The bartender, puzzled, says he doesn’t.

The guy then smiles, looks him square in the eye and says, “Got any fried cuttlefish?”

…next…

A dyslexic walks into a bra……..

…next…

A gerund walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What are you, drinking?”

…next…

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry bud, we don’t serve your type here!”

…next…

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first responds, “Yes, I’m positive”.

…next…

A rabbi, a priest, a hooker, a pirate, a blind hippopotamus, a sheep, three wolves, a Chinaman, a Scotsman, a taxi driver, a Mexican and a pencil walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up from his newspaper, surveys the company, and asks, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

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